Thursday, August 2, 2012

Stress & Skinny Jeans Don't Mix

So, as of yesterday I canceled my monthly subscription to Weight Watchers AGAIN.  This is probably the third or fourth time I've started and then stopped.  I have to admit that when I am dedicated to doing it, I usually lose about 2-3 pounds a week.  The problem comes in when life happens.  I mean sometimes you just want to eat something without having to do a math equation beforehand.  Once I start doing that, I do it again, and again, and again.  Next thing I know I'm dreading going to weigh in and then before I know it I'm wondering why the heck I'm spending $40 a month for nothing. 

Let me just say that I absolutely HATE the way I look in pants and because of that I dread going to the store to buy them.  Well, that's not entirely true.  The part that I really hate is standing in front of the mirror of truth in the dressing room and facing a large person whom I try to avoid looking at at all costs.  To be forced to gaze upon the thunder thighs under a flourescent light is a fate far worse than Chinese water torture could ever be.  You can see why my closet boasts a whopping two or three pairs of pants, two of which have an elastic waist.  Hopefully I'm not alone in this. 

I have decided to return to school to get a degree in nursing and begin my "official" nursing school classes in about two weeks.  The stress level is through the roof.  A summer couped up with 3 boys in 100 degree heat didn't help either.  Let's just say that ice cream with strawberry topping and whipped cream on top quickly became my "medicine" of choice.  I jokingly call it my "shame bowl" to my husband.  Makes me feel better for about 5 minutes while I'm eating but after the "shame bowl" is gone, well, shame ensues. 

I wish I could say that was the end of my problems but now I'm finding myself staring at skinny, young girls in class and wondering how the hell they stay so skinny.  "I bet they do yoga."  "I wonder if they have kids."  "Look at her drinking that bottled water and snacking on a healthy snack, the nerve!"  Oh, and I got hooked watching the gymnastics portion of the Olympics this summer and found myself sitting on the couch eating some snack and critiquing the moves of these supreme athletes.  Like who the hell am I to comment on their routines?!?  I had to do 25 jumping jacks in class today (to stress a point about taking pulses) and I was actually winded.  Uggh! 

Oh and if I have one more person tell me that I should post a picture on Facebook, I'm going to SCREAM.  I do not want my fatness documented in any shape or form.  For all of you "skinny people", let me explain how this works.  Here are the rules for fat people:

1.  If nobody sees you eat it, there are no calories.
2.  If you avoid cameras and pictures of all kinds that would capture your said fatness for all of        eternity, later if you ever lose the weight you can vehemently deny ever being fat.
3.  If I WANTED to post a picture on Facebook, I would have so DON'T ASK.  See rule #2.
4.  Dressing rooms and full length mirrors are to be avoided at all costs.
5.  Ice cream has undeniable healing powers.

Let me stress that I did not make up these rules.  They are simply understood by all people of fatness.  It's like once you become a member of the "fat club" you just know the rules.  Now that I've poured my soul out and revealed the top secret rule of fat-hood I think I'm going to have a healing bowl of ice cream.....