Perfect Bathing Suit For My Mommy Bod

Being originally from the east coast, I used to worship the water and especially loved to go to the beach.  Since I have had children and blew up like a blimp, there are parts of my body that haven't seen sunlight in so long that I consider that skin to once again be solar-virgin territory.  I'm quite sure that if I ever did put on a bathing suit again, that there are laws somewhere that would prohibit such a display.  The reflection alone would cause certain permanent vision damage, let alone the emotional damage that would be done by my thunder thighs and cellulite.

I picture small children running for the safety of their homes and men suddenly changing their sexual orientation.  Young women without children, this is a warning to you.  This is an example of the type of bathing suit that I would have worn without any problems back in my 20's:

And this is the only suit that I would consider wearing in public now:

So if you're ever at a beach somewhere and you see a fat lady walking around with a bathing suit from the 1900's, come up and say "Hi!".  It'll be me....Spongemom Stretchpants!